Running into old friends

I am reading Aleksandar Hemon's The Lazarus Project and, not even 50 pages in, I'm loving it. I'm going to share a paragraph to give you an idea why. (The protagonist is a Bosnian immigrant living in Chicago):

It happens to me all the time: I run into people I used to know in my previous, Sarajevo, life. We yelp in surprise; we kiss or slap each other on the back; we exchange basic information and gossip about common acquaintances; we make firm promises about getting together soon or staying in touch. Afterwards, a tide of crushing sadness always overwhelms me, for I instantly recognize that whatever had connected us has now nearly dissolved; we only make gestures, get through the ritual of recognition and pretend it was only through our negligence that we had been parted. The old film of the common past that disintegrates when exposed to the light of a new life.

"Tide of crushing sadness" is exactly IT. No need to be an expat to have experienced it.

The Doom of Search Engine Optimization

I've recently been a target for nasty attacks on two fronts. My blog was discovered by Bulgarian ultra-nationalists who have accused me, among other things, of "dirtying the Bulgarian gene pool" by marrying an American. They have also suggested that I am not fulfilling my duties as a Bulgarian woman and giving birth to Bulgarian children.

Then I received a series of comments by a Bulgarian woman who found this blog after googling her name and discovering a place where "women with hyphenated last-names talk about their marriages to foreigners". She said she lives in Germany and constantly needs to be fighting off prejudice against East European women (easy, prostitutes, mail-order brides) and having her name associated with this place was offensive to her. She also suggested that I should run a mail-order bride service off this blog.

Both accusations are baffling to me and although I find the first type more or less idiotic, I take the second quite seriously. For one, because I have often needed to push against those same prejudices myself. You'd be surprised how often I've been stopped and questioned at airports over the purpose of my international travel. And although I am initially offended by such questioning, I generally don't mind because it's that kind of bureaucratic vigilance that saves the lives of many victims of trafficking.

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I started this blog, under its current title, because after Kyle and I got engaged several years ago, it really was very difficult to figure out how to get married. Many of you who visit this blog know exactly what I am talking about. There's so much conflicting information out there about the steps one needs to go through to officially marry a foreign national. Official institutional websites link to legal documents that are long and/or confusing. Actual bureaucrats don't seem to quite know what the appropriate procedures are. On top of all that, the process is time consuming and EXPENSIVE and, as you go through all of it, there are so many dead-ends that at some point you really start to wonder... is this ever going to end?! But your love is on the line. Your LIFE is on the line. Plus, if you are in committed relationship with a foreigner, you almost have to get married if you want to live together. Otherwise, it's practically impossible to live in the same country. If you don't believe me, talk to non-heterosexual gay couples. It's insane!

As Kyle and I struggled with applications, letters, permits, and documents... it was really only other people in bi-cultural marriages that offered any real help or practical advice. If Marta hadn't given me a copy of all the paperwork that she and Niall had filled out, I am not sure Kyle and I would have been able to do it. (Thank you, guys!)

I am saying all this for two reasons.

First, I want to acknowledge that the title of this blog could easily be interpreted as something other than it is. And for that, I really am truly sorry. I stopped running Google Ads precisely for that reason and I want to ask you guys if you think I should rename the blog and move it to a different domain. It would be hassle but I am willing to do it.

But, second, I wanted to say that marrying an American man was never a part of my life-plan. Heck, I thought I'd never marry at all. But I met a man that fills my life with love and joy and he happens to be American. And I refuse to apologize for my love and for my life.

Does being an expat give you Dissociative Identity Disorder?

I have two blogs. It's hard to keep two blogs. Scratch that. It's almost IMPOSSIBLE to keep two blogs. I only say "almost" out of respect for people who actually do it quite successfully. Unfortunately, I am not one of them.

I bring this up here not because I feel like I should be apologizing for my absence (although, should you care to know, I was tending to my feminist calling). I only mention this because I feel that as expats/immigrants, etc., we often get pulled in multiple directions, which tends to keep us busy at best, anxious at worst. The Bulgarian* and the expat parts of our brains are at odds; oftentimes, for very sensible reasons. Sometimes, all the tugging... back and forth... starts to wear out our patience.

My two blogs, for example, are a direct representations of my Bulgarian and my expat inner worlds. And currently, I am so warn out of constantly negotiating that both have fallen neglected. We all have our ways of self-medicating and I am dealing by indulging in a short period of un-thoughtfulness. When I encounter a serious thought, I push it away. I know it sounds flippant, but it's what I need right now.

So, tell me, is this something you think about? Do you feel pulled in different directions by your "Bulgarian" and "expat" selves? How do you deal with your various identities? How do you make them co-exist? Have you been able to craft a unified identity for yourself? Do you sometimes feel like you are a character in a novel and the author of your book has decided to give you the gift of dissociative identity disorder?

*Plug in your own nationality here. Recently, I've been lucky to have some new readers, many of them expats, not necessarily with any Bulgaria connections. I am so happy you are here! I've always hoped it goes without saying that this blog is not *really* about Bulgaria or Bulgarians only.I look forward to getting to know you all better!

You know you are Bulgarian when...

Miss Biliana painted a custom fashion print for me. I don't know which one but I hyper-ventilated over my first Marc Jacobs bag a few weeks ago and I'm guessing she might have picked up on that. Anyway.

Here's our email exchange from earlier today:

Miss B: Just a quick note to ask if you received your drawing, I sent it about ten days ago. I hope you like it if you did!

Petya: No! It's not here yet! How did you send it?! Shouldn't take that long...

Miss B: Hmmm, I sent it regular mail. It is not very big, I put it in a magazine. Let me know, the post office here said it should take about 5 to 8 (!) business days, so this sounds about right. Let me know, I wanted you to get it for Valentines Days since it is red....

As this was going on, I realized... shit, I'm responding in such a Bulgarian way to this. Don't you see it?! I panicked that the postal worker might have kept my package!!! When I shared my realization with Biliana, she said: I would panic the same way, this is why I am writing!

You know you are Bulgarian when anticipating a friendly package in the mail makes you anxious.

Ask me anything

Can't remember if I told you, but a little while ago I got a FormSpring account. It's sort of like twitter but you don't have to register and you can use it to ask me anything. I'm not sure it's not a total waste of time but I'm selfishly hoping something interesting could come out of it.

Ask away but be nice, OK?

Guest Blogger: David Sedaris

I hope you're not getting tired of hearing me mention how awesome David Sedaris is. He is and I'm sorry. Really. I know that the world has been reading him for years. I myself had heard some of his NPR pieces and read some of his short stories in The New Yorker. It wasn't until just a couple of months ago that I actually picked up Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim.

Now, I don't think I can really speak to the literary merits of his work but I find Sedaris's reflections on expatriation very close both to my personal experience of being a foreigner and to my experience of building a relationship in an environment that presents both me and my husband with unusual challenges. That, I think, is the main reason I love him as much as I do.

The other day, actually, I thought it would be awesome if I could have Mr. Sedaris over as a guest-blogger. We would share embarrassing stories about our respective experiences as foreigners and laugh so hard until we were no longer able to distinguish whether we were being laughed with or laughed at. How awesome would that be?!

Also, since getting the actual David Sedaris to make an appearance on this wonderfully thoughtful blog is pretty much as likely as getting my own Dad to wear corduroy (chance=0), I think I'm going to turn a blind eye and blog in his name. I'm sure he wouldn't mind one bit. Also, he often mentions that he is such a Luddite that he hasn't actually seen the Internet yet, so I think I'd be safe.

Memphis in The New York Times

How awesome! There's a great feature on Memphis in the travel section of The New York Times today. The focus of the piece is on the less known side of Memphis, beyond Elvis and Beale Street; you know, on the stuff that locals like to do!

Two of my favorite bars, The Cove and Wild Bill's, are included! In fact, Kyle and I were at The Cove just this past weekend. Their dirty vodka martinis are delicious but VERY VERY DANGEROUS. There's parents and young kids reading this so I'll leave it at that!

I am so excited and proud to see this! People! Really! Memphis is great! Come visit!

Is Zadie Smith's new book a self-reflection guidebook for expats?

I sort of sounds like it is. Pankaj Mishra wrote a great review of Zadie Smith's freshly published book of essays, Changing My Mind. As a big fan of Smith's, I am crazy excited about this book. ESPECIALLY after learning that a number of Smith's essays deal with topics that I hold very close to my heart: the multiplicity of human identity, the ways in which our idealogical inconsistencies make us thrive, family, loss.

The idea that “the unified singular self is an illusion” could be the leitmotif of this collection. It allows Smith to revisit her own early assumptions and to question such essentialist notions as “black woman-ness.” Reflecting on Kafka’s ambivalence about his ethnic background, she writes: “There is a sense in which Kafka’s Jewish question (‘What have I in common with Jews?’) has become everybody’s question, Jewish alienation the template for all our doubts. What is Muslimness? What is femaleness? What is Polishness? What is Englishness? These days we all find our anterior legs flailing before us. We’re all insects, all Ungeziefer, now.”

This may sound a bit melodramatic. But then — as Salman Rushdie and other practitioners of postcolonial postmodernism have stressed — ambivalence, doubt and confusion are essential to forming dynamic new hybrid selves.

Sounds like a book that any expat would enjoy, doesn't it?

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Illustration by Tina Berning for The New York Times

Life In The Trenches: Dessie Tarlton

YES! Life in the Trenches is back! Today I introduce you to Dessie Tarlton who I met via the How to Marry a Bulgarian group on Facebook. Internet buddies ROCK! I hope you enjoy her answers as much as I did!

Tell us a little bit about yourself. Who are you, what do you do, where do you live?

My name is Dessie Tarlton, I am 27 and Bulgarian. I spent the first half of my life in Sofia and the second in the UK. I am a financial analyst and I recently moved to join my husband in Moscow, where we expect to live another year or two before moving to Southeast Asia. We figure we deserve something warmer after a few Russian winters!


How did you and your husband meet?

I was posted in Moscow for six months a few years ago and a week after I arrived my colleagues organized my birthday party. One of them brought along a friend from Texas who had just got off the plane and was starting his new job. That’s pretty much it! We got married a year later in Houston at a cinema car park at 9.00 in the morning. Later we had a proper wedding in Arbanassi, Bulgaria.


What is the best thing about being in a relationship with someone who comes from a very different background than yours?

Since I’ve lived away from home I always knew I wouldn’t marry a Bulgarian, but I never expected to marry a Texan. Before I met Dudley I had never even visited the US and had only met American tourists in the UK. My preconception of America was far from positive but he changed it pretty fast. I love having the opportunity to experience his culture. In my eyes, the choice between the different cultures in our lives is what makes our relationship even better. What really baffles me is how it is possible to find someone who has the same beliefs, morals and ideas of life as I do while being brought up so differently? We are both open to adopting new things. Now that we live in Moscow we get to compare Russian culture with English, Bulgarian, American and Dutch and decide which we are going to go by.

What are some of your biggest cultural clashes: food, social life, domesticity, communication, family?

Because neither of us lives in our home country we spend more time dealing with our clashes with Russian culture than our own.

I read your post about male and female responsibilities at home and I love to say that he definitely doesn’t go by those stereotypes. We really do everything together, whether it’s putting furniture together, moving it or cleaning and cooking. I love that because it’s still our time and not a chore. I think culturally that clashes with the way I was brought up but I wouldn’t have it any other way : )

A big clash is eating! Dudley loves Bulgarian food so when the table is set he eats everything on his plate in 15 minutes. In my family we talk and drink and eat all evening so he keeps getting seconds and thirds and then complains we feed him too much. I am the same in Houston, they feed me Tex-Mex three times a day, where everyone consumes vast quantities of cheese in record-setting time and I spend most of my days there unable to move.

How often do you get to visit family and friends (yours and his)?

In that respect we are very lucky. We travel for work all the time so when it comes to the holidays we always go home to either Houston or Sofia. I would say we visit home twice a year each and our families visit us once a year.

Has your partner picked up any typically Bulgarian habits, sayings, etc.?

Yes he has : ) Zdrasti, zdrasti dai pari za pasti is my favourite. He can never remember what it means but it makes me laugh. He also loves dancing the horo though just like all our non-Bulgarian relatives and friends he can’t seem to get it.

What is your advice for other couples who in bi-cultural relationships?

Embrace diversity because it’s one of the best things about our world. Seeing other cultures through the one you love is the best way of experiencing it – so enjoy it!

Thank you so much, Dessie! Hope to meet you two in person some day!

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If you guys are interested in participating in the series, let me know, OK! I am trying to spice things up a little bit and ask slightly different questions each time. Although, I must say, I never tire of hearing food and language stories. Dessie's mentioning of Zdrasti, zdrasti made me laugh really hard... Kyle knows the rhyme too but every time he says it, he insist it doesn't make any sense.

Expat Bloggers on She Writes

I am so honored to be included in a feature that Anastasia Ashman curated for the She Writes network on Expat Writers. Anastasia introduces Catherine Yigit, Rose Deniz and myself and says:

I'm drawn to the subject matter of these writers (and many others who I hope to highlight in the future). Posts seem compelled by the daily negotiation of expat/immigrant/exile identity. Shaped by unfamiliar environments. Inspired by moments when belief systems are challenged or uprooted.

Sounds about right.

Thank you, Anastasia! It's great to be in the same group as Catherine and Rose!