I've recently been a target for nasty attacks on two fronts. My blog was discovered by Bulgarian ultra-nationalists who have accused me, among other things, of "dirtying the Bulgarian gene pool" by marrying an American. They have also suggested that I am not fulfilling my duties as a Bulgarian woman and giving birth to Bulgarian children.
Then I received a series of comments by a Bulgarian woman who found this blog after googling her name and discovering a place where "women with hyphenated last-names talk about their marriages to foreigners". She said she lives in Germany and constantly needs to be fighting off prejudice against East European women (easy, prostitutes, mail-order brides) and having her name associated with this place was offensive to her. She also suggested that I should run a mail-order bride service off this blog.
Both accusations are baffling to me and although I find the first type more or less idiotic, I take the second quite seriously. For one, because I have often needed to push against those same prejudices myself. You'd be surprised how often I've been stopped and questioned at airports over the purpose of my international travel. And although I am initially offended by such questioning, I generally don't mind because it's that kind of bureaucratic vigilance that saves the lives of many victims of trafficking.
***
I started this blog, under its current title, because after Kyle and I got engaged several years ago, it really was very difficult to figure out how to get married. Many of you who visit this blog know exactly what I am talking about. There's so much conflicting information out there about the steps one needs to go through to officially marry a foreign national. Official institutional websites link to legal documents that are long and/or confusing. Actual bureaucrats don't seem to quite know what the appropriate procedures are. On top of all that, the process is time consuming and EXPENSIVE and, as you go through all of it, there are so many dead-ends that at some point you really start to wonder... is this ever going to end?! But your love is on the line. Your LIFE is on the line. Plus, if you are in committed relationship with a foreigner, you almost have to get married if you want to live together. Otherwise, it's practically impossible to live in the same country. If you don't believe me, talk to non-heterosexual gay couples. It's insane!
As Kyle and I struggled with applications, letters, permits, and documents... it was really only other people in bi-cultural marriages that offered any real help or practical advice. If Marta hadn't given me a copy of all the paperwork that she and Niall had filled out, I am not sure Kyle and I would have been able to do it. (Thank you, guys!)
I am saying all this for two reasons.
First, I want to acknowledge that the title of this blog could easily be interpreted as something other than it is. And for that, I really am truly sorry. I stopped running Google Ads precisely for that reason and I want to ask you guys if you think I should rename the blog and move it to a different domain. It would be hassle but I am willing to do it.
But, second, I wanted to say that marrying an American man was never a part of my life-plan. Heck, I thought I'd never marry at all. But I met a man that fills my life with love and joy and he happens to be American. And I refuse to apologize for my love and for my life.
Friday, March 5, 2010
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11 comments:
Wow! Who would have thought. I guess it's a strategic matter. Certainly there's nothing inappropriate in your decisions for naming the blog what you did --- if people google something else and quickly realize this isn't what they want, why the hell don't they just leave instead of harassing you?
That said, given that those people are out there, if it makes your life easier to change your blog's name, you shouldn't feel bad about doing so.
If you do though, give those of us who come here to read your blog because we want to read your blog time to change our RSS's to whatever the new name will be.
Good luck dealing with the haters.
Absolutely not. There is nothing offensive in the name of your blog. In fact, it’s offensive that someone would it offensive ;) You’ve got many readers who love your blog, and understand what it’s about; to those who are offended by it, there is a super simple solution STOP READING, problem solved.
In either case ... change or no change ... I would definitely continue to read your posts!
it really hurts me that those people went out of their way to say something hurtful to you...I found your blog because I fell in love with a Bulgarian man and wanted to see if there was any help out there in terms of getting through the paperwork...you have been a huge help to me logistically and personally!
Your blog is wonderful and I wouldn't have found it if not for its name! But as others have said if this is going to become regular ( the harassment) then forget it! change the name, but a heads up would be great.
We love you Petya and honestly those people are probably just insecure...its cliche, but probably true! You be happy and proud of who you are and the choices you make...you are it seems and they are just jealous insecure little nothings!
Jose Gonzalez "heartbeats" just came on my itunes...little aside! you might want to check him out if you don't know him...very relevent to this discussion.
My thoughts the same, who would have thought! and I agree with what everyone commented it's your blog, you have people who enjoy reading your blog (including me. a new reader!) so keep us posted.
I like your line, "And I refuse to apologize for my love and for my life."
Fuck 'em. As you say, refuse to apologize for your life and your love.
I gave up a long time ago on trying to change the world views of small-minded people. Let them have their limited, prejudiced view of how things are "supposed" to work. Meanwhile, the people who actually have relevant life experience understand how it really works out there, and that's all that matters.
I read your blog primarily for the enjoyment of reading about other expats and cross-breed relationships. As far as the whole marrying thing...your initial blog from like 3-4 years ago was what my wife and I used as the reference point when we were starting to get our marriage things together, because we were Bulgarian and American, just like you two.
Even to this day, things are confusing. Like, for example, when we moved here the rule was "if you are married and live in BG for 2 years you can apply for permanent residency", but apparently that changed right after I moved here, because we went in to the police station the other day to apply for my permanent residency status here in BG and found out that they no longer allow you to do so...regardless if you are married or single you have to use the 1 year/6 month temp visas for 5 years before you are allowed to apply for permanent. So I get to look forward to another 3 years/2,000 leva in fees before I'm allowed to apply for permanent residency.
What's ironic is neither the Ministry of Foreigners, the Bulgarian Embassy websites, the American Embassy websites, nor the Ministry of Justice have updated their pages to reflect the police station changes (border police, the guys who process the residency visas/cards). And if you call the various organizations they ALL give you a different version.
We've just learned that on whatever day we have to do paperwork we just take the whole day off, plan on going out to lunch with a couple bottles of wine after it's all done, and do our best to smile and laugh at the idiosyncrasies of some bureaucracies.
i love the title, don't change it ever!
Oh wow, what is wrong with people?? Whose business is it but yours who you choose to marry? It is scary how many crazy nationalist freaks are out there. It is their shame to be ignorant and xenophobic, but I understand why you feel uneasy.
Don't change the name of the blog though, not for them. Only change it if YOU think it no longer serves the purpose of the blog. Considering what you write about, I think the name fits the content perfectly. Good luck, don't let the haters get to you, and keep writing!
I think that if you mean to stand up for what you believe in the blog name should stay as it is.
If you want to run away that's ok, too. There would only be one drawback - the "ultra-nationalists" will think they have won and hunt your new blog down. You might as well shut the whole thing down - then there will be no ground for harassment.
On the other hand you could pretend to be stopping your activity and tell officially to the ultras and stupid hyphen-women that you have learned your place and won't be a bad girl again, wait for the heat to pass and re-open another blog.
There really are more than a way to skin a cat.
Well, idiots could find you anywhere, so you'd better take them easy. You might try to explain if you feel like it, but you don't have to apologize and lose your sleep over such things.
Thank you all for being so supportive. I've decided to not worry about it. Most people who read this blog don't mind the title. It'd be silly to take the trolls' opinions more seriously than the opinions of my friendly readers.
I am, however, going to add a little piece explaining the title and premise of the blog. Hopefully, that will make things a bit better.
Thanks again for your sweet notes!
Hurray for the triumph of good over stupidity!!!!
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