Comments on How to Marry a Bulgarian: Gender roles in bi-cultural relationships

I can share some info on how things work with me (...

2010-05-13T11:06:07.245-05:00

I can share some info on how things work with me (Bulgarian)and my French bf... but first some background - I was raised in a family where the father figure was mostly a physical presence in one of the rooms, so my mom (besides her everyday job) was doing everything from the housekeeping to the reconstruction of the house and any heavy lifting and agricultural labor, for which me and brother had to participate since reaching 5.
So, how I understood I'll never cook with my french bf?
It was in the beginning of the relationship and he said he wants to watch a football game - code words for every BG woman for "serve me drinks, make me dinner and mind your business somewhere quietly" - so that's what I started doing... till he gave me extensive list of instructions how the pasta should be cooked (this means in grams, minutes and seconds, etc.) - so, as every BG woman I did it and served it victorious... He said "Pasta is good, but the plate is too small!" My face changed in all colors of the rainbow! I kept my cool but since then I refuse to cook.

So, how I knew that any mechanical stuff will be my job?
One day he came to me caring a broken bike and with his big brown eyes said "Can you fix it?".
In the the next 2 weeks I fixed falling door of a fridge in his parents house,vacuum cleaner, endless line of lamps and pipes and his father's laptop.

I'd say we are happy like this (as long as I don't cook or choose colors for walls or furniture)

You could just leave the farthest faucet from the ...

2010-01-14T21:41:06.267-06:00

You could just leave the farthest faucet from the shut-off valve on at a medium drip, and it will generally prevent the pipes from freezing.

Coming from Sweden, a country that thinks of itsel...

2010-01-12T10:49:52.597-06:00

Coming from Sweden, a country that thinks of itself as way more feminist than anything else, I also ha problems with understanding gender roles in Bulgaria. They don't really fit into a too strict feminist scheme, which I guess could be one reason why Bulgarians could be curious on the gender equality fronnt...

I am Bulgarian, married to a Bulgarian man. From d...

2010-01-12T06:46:02.887-06:00

I am Bulgarian, married to a Bulgarian man. From day one in our relationship it was agreed upon we do everything 50/50. He's not good at what's considered male tasks so he rarely does anything male related. I, on the other hand, have always been good at male chores and when it comes to working with screwdrivers, assembling stuff, changing bulbs, moving furniture, etc. I do it gladly. What irritates me sometimes is the fact that I have to point out to him that something needs to be done (I'm a neat freak). We've always been infuriated by the gender division in Bulgaria so we make conscious efforts not to slip into typical roles.

Part 2: However! I have always noticed a huge ge...

2010-01-12T02:44:09.486-06:00

Part 2:

However! I have always noticed a huge gender issue with most Bulgarians. The typical example is when we go to her grandmother's house.

I always help set the table. I always help cut the vegetables for salads. I always help her grandmother clean up afterward and do dishes. Evy helps me with these tasks. At no point in the past 7 years I've been experiencing Bulgarian holidays at various family events have I EVER seen a Bulgarian man get up from the table or lift a finger to help with household work. Instead they remain seated, smoking and drinking rakia, expecting the women to do all the work.

Her grandmother thanks me EVERY time I help her with the dishes and setting the table. I think it's probably the only time in her life she's ever seen a man help do such work around the house. I actually complained to Evy about this after Christmas and New Years because of how callous the men are in this country with EXPECTING the women to just wait on them hand and foot. Don't get me wrong...I love her family; they are my own. But I was really upset with one of her cousins in particular, because he kept harassing his grandmother about lunch the morning after New Year's (after the dinner from the night before), when it was just leftovers from the night before. He could have easily gotten up and gotten a plate of food out of the fridge (something I did for myself), but instead he expected his grandmother to do it for him. When she finally got him a plate of food he ate it, drank his Coke, got up from the table and left...without a thank you, without cleaning up his mess, or anything.

As far as the workplace goes...I don't see any issues. My wife works with an almost entirely female staff, and her mother is the head of a multi-million Euro family business (chain of CBA stores), so I don't see inequality in the workplace. However, when it comes to the home environment....ENTIRELY different story.

My sister loving calls me the house bitch. Why? I ...

2010-01-12T02:38:08.079-06:00

My sister loving calls me the house bitch. Why? I work from home. I do most of the house work because of this.

My wife is a Bulgarian woman, as many of you know (some of you might be first-time readers so I'll just put it out there), but we've never looked at it in the typical way. From day one we founded our relationship on 50/50. That means we share everything equally, including household tasks. However, I think it's only fair that I do more of them because she goes to school + has a part-time job, which means she is often gone from the house, plus she has to deal with public transportation and weather, while I get to stay in a warm house in the winter/cool house in the summer (ok, apartment).

Point is...I'm home. I have more spare time than she does. So I do housework. I do the dishes, always (dishwasher, but still). I do the vacuuming, mopping and dusting. I generally run the laundry, but she usually takes care of folding, because I'm notorious for just leaving my shit laying around, and she's OCD about clothing so it gets picked up =P

I do all of the cooking, 100%. I also do most of the grocery shopping, although we meet up frequently and shop together.

See, here's the schedule: I get up at 7, I spend an hour browsing sites and answering e-mails. From 8 until 8:45 I work out; usually a 16-18 kilometer run on the elliptical while I watch an episode of a show. I shower, make coffee and fresh juice, and Evy gets up around this time. We have coffee + juice together, then she gets ready for school/work. She leaves around 10, which is the time I start work. I generally do my freelance work from 10 until 2, although some days it pushes until 3-4 depending on the contract.

I meet my wife almost every day of the week for a walk around Sofia. Some days she has classes, and I'll meet her around 3-4 to walk her to class. On the days she doesn't have school I meet her and we go for a 2 hour walk or so, and usually do our communal shopping at that point in time. If it's a school day I'll drop her off at school then head to the market and pick up a couple day's worth of fruits/veggies/food (we only buy 2-3 days of food at a time so we are sure to eat fresh and avoid excess).

On weekends we either hang out and do stuff together or we go out with friends. Winter it's more "going out with friends" and in spring/summer/fall it's lots of hiking, camping, picnics, and such.

I dunno...for us, the issue of "who gets to do what" never came up. We consider each other equals. There is no gender assignments. We are one.

Yes, Petya, you are right - pretending not to know...

2010-01-12T00:26:56.072-06:00

Yes, Petya, you are right - pretending not to know how to do it is really a good way out of the household chores or that you are 'clumsy' /like Chet suggested/ ;)) What I meant when focused on parents' responsibility was not to say they should keep their kids in the kitchen or mopping around all the time, but actually I meant to gradually develop in their kids all this 'survival minimum' of what you described as 'being a good room-mate'- this inner feeling of "a-must" when you notice your room needs a clean-up... I still believe this feeling of 'neatness' might be somewhat regulated with the upbringing as responsibility towards the others u r living with. Sometimes hubby just doesn't notice the cleaning situation... really not seeing it - when I say what needs to be done - he does it surely. Also don't you girls think it's totally not erotic if after marriage you are in a situation to take care of a hubby who behaves like 10 year-old when home-management comes /because no one had asked him to do anything before/and u are in a situation to say things that mothers usually do... like 'put your clothes in the washing basket'. Things are never simple but in Bulgaria this especially fond and sparing attitude to sonnies from mums is still there...that's why so many and good jokes on mothers-in-low. I don't want to paint the situation black of course but this is one aspect /upbringing/ that should be taken seriously and even on such small scale as domestic chores. The good part of my story is that after 10 years I succeeded in "retraining";)) him and now we do things at home together balancing well too, but during this 'process' - of me leading him into home-managing skilss - I guess, we both werent't much happy. Another thing I really believe that few people actually like most of those domestic chores /not cooking here/no matter gender! Anonimous1

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments! Chet...

2010-01-11T20:49:39.424-06:00

Thank you all for your thoughtful comments!

Chet:
Isn't it convenient to build a reputation for being "clumsy"?! ;)

Cardsup:
By all means! You are absolutely right that it doesn't matter what others do. You and your partner should negotiate whatever works for you, even if it seems like the most backward/ traditional/ patriarchal arrangement. What I was getting at is that there are things in our cultural backgrounds that push us to act in certain ways... and those same things could lead to tension in a bi-cultural relationship.

Anonymous 1:
You're right about being responsible with raising children and making sure they grow up to be, if nothing else, decent room-mates ;). I do feel, though, that a lot of grown-ups pretend they are unable to learn or remember... not that they would not be able to learn if they really tried.

Anonymous 2:
Hey, a "coffee in bed" offering brings a lot to the bargaining table, doesn't it?

Philippine:
When Kyle and I were still in Bulgaria, I told one of my co-workers that Kyle did most of the cooking at home. He worked from home at the time and it made more sense with his schedule. My co-worker said that if I were his wife, he would have already divorced me. Same guy became a father around the same time. When I said, gee, you must be really tired from staying up with the baby, he answered "Not really. The baby has a mother, you know." True story.

Anonymous 3:
First off, I admire you for your positive attitude. I hate house-work and if I were in your position, I would lose it. In defense of your mother-in-law, I don't think she should be the one to blame, I don't think she's the one who should be held responsible. My mom has always hated house-chores so when my sister and I were still living with them, she made sure we never had to do things because "girls need to learn those things". Cooking is not rocket science, she'd say, everyone can learn when they have to. And sure enough, I learned. I had to wait until after I was out of college and no longer eating at a dining hall, but learn I did. I am saying all this, because I feel like you are making excuses for your husband. Of course you would, you LOVE him. But maybe there should be more negotiation about this... Also, I don't think you should feel "appreciative" that he does a crappy job doing the dishes. The man has got to get over it. PLEASE let me know if I am being too direct or preachy about this... The only reason why I am allowing myself to say these things is that I know way too many men who use very similar excuses and too many great women who pick up the slack.

Yo:
This is sooooo interesting. A great observation more to the point that we don't automatically repeat the patterns we were born into...

What your aunt said brought tears to my eyes, though. It made me think of my own relatives... who would probably say that same thing. I'm always amazed at how strong Bulgarian women of our mothers' generation are.

Ellie:
Your point about avoiding the tasks that you resent cracks me up. BUT, I must say, there's some truth to that. I also share your feelings about cleaning: hate it, do it as rarely as possible BUT have major guilt. My house is not clean and orderly by Bulgarian standards and I still worry what so-and-so would think if they happen to just drop by... Soooo Bulgarian of me, right?!

S.
Great comment! I am so happy you picked up on my "helper" reference. I meant to highlight the word in the entry but forgot. That "helper" role infuriates me the most. Like you said, women don't need someone to help them with domestic work. They need someone who would share in the responsibility!

I am a Bulgarian woman in a relationship with a Bu...

2010-01-11T15:37:17.673-06:00

I am a Bulgarian woman in a relationship with a Bulgarian man but I like to read this blog because twice in my life I have been in pretty serious relationships with foreigners. So I have been through many of the thoughts and issues raised here. On the topic of domestic chores. Petya, you say your father is a "helper." Indeed, almost all Bulgarian women use the word "help" when referring to housework done by men. Well, that's illustrates the problem, in my opinion. When people ask me whether my partner helps, I tell them that he doesn't help, he participates. "Help" to me sounds almost like a charity. As if it's clearly a woman's job but, hey there, the guy charitably "helps." At home, my partner participates basically in all work and there is no strict division of any sort. The only thing he cannot do is sow buttons so that only I do. Assembling furniture (e.g. IKEA stuff) is something I like to do more than him so usually I do it. In short, the fact that he is Bulgarian doesn't mean that we go with traditional gender roles.
There is one sphere though where traditional gender roles are very important to me. This is carrying heavy stuff. For that, men are clearly better equipped and my partner would always take the heavier load if we have to carry some luggage. If we have just one bag, he carries it. However, a long time ago I was dating a foreigner with a Canadian upbringing. Every time we went somewhere with one bag for the two of us, he insisted that we took turns in carrying it, dividing the time strictly in half... To me that was, to put it mildly, outrageous. Played a big part in me not staying with him, petty as it may sound. I was telling him that a Bulgarian man would give me a hand when I descend a bus, as well as when I put on my coat... That he found laughable...

The solution to household division of labor that f...

2010-01-11T14:49:35.543-06:00

The solution to household division of labor that feels wrong: just don't do the things that you resent doing and likely the other person will pick them up, if he/she wants them done at all :)

That was a joke. My Italian husband cooks and does all the mechanical/technical stuff at home. Not because it's a masculine kind of thing to do, I just refuse to learn any new machine-related things at this point of my life. This includes figuring out new appliances through literary interpretation of their owner's manuals. I saw buttons back on, though.

Neither of us likes cleaning, so we do it as rarely as possible, together.

By the way, being single and living by yourself does teach you how to cook, take care of garbage and how to change a fuse :) The problem is continuing doing all those things after the wedding. Studies show that cohabiting couples divide labor better in terms of equality than married couples (wives take on more household work in this second case).

My Swiss husband does the laundry, cleans, takes c...

2010-01-11T11:47:32.299-06:00

My Swiss husband does the laundry, cleans, takes care of the garbage, fixes things and occasionally cooks. I am the main chef and occasionally do the ironing (when I am in a mood, which sometimes takes weeks). I honestly admit that he does most of the domestic work compared with me. He never called domestic chores “women work”; it was always domestic, shared.
When I mentioned this to my aunt in Bulgaria (mother of two sons) she said “That’s fantastic, honey, happy for you!”, she got sad for a moment and then quietly added “Nobody cooked for me. Ever.”
So here is the paradox – back in the 70s/80s majority of the married Swiss women had no career, exclusively took care of the home and the kids. Women did not gain the right to vote in federal elections until 1971 – it is not a typo, 1971. Nevertheless the sons they raised back then (my husband’s generation) are trained to do all domestic chores and they do it with pride. A guy who depends on his wife for warm food/fresh shirt is considered pathetically old fashioned.
As described by Petya “Bulgarian women have been getting higher education degrees in "traditionally male" disciplines forever. Most women work outside of their home. Our legal framework is fairly progressive”. Then why on earth we, Bulgarians, stick to the traditional split of domestic labour?
I am still puzzled.

I find myself in a relationship with many more gen...

2010-01-11T06:19:30.181-06:00

I find myself in a relationship with many more gender specific divisions that I ever expected. Given, my Bulgarian husband will do the dishes (fairly badly) 80% of the time since I cook 99% of the time. And the laundry about 50% of the time. And I don't complain about the somewhat unclean dishes since I at least appreciate the effort.

I've never been a neat person, but I've always been a clean person. My husband will put things in order but he never cleans. ALL the cleaning is my job. ALL the cooking is my job. My husband can make tea, cocoa, and pizza (with those ready-made crusts). His mother never taught him to cook! Why!? He's very resistant to learning to cook. And he's very resistant to learning to clean well. The last time I let him mop...omg, it took him about 5mins. We have hardwood floors and a HUGE kitchen. I don't think I have the patience to retrain that kind of upbringing! :D I guess I'm stuck as the cook and the disinfector for the rest of my life!

I am married to a Bulgarian who is considered odd ...

2010-01-11T01:02:35.793-06:00

I am married to a Bulgarian who is considered odd by other Bulgarian men and progressive by women all around :-) I have had older Bulgarian men get very offended by the fact that he puts my career and place in our relationship on an equal, and sometimes higher, position as his. He's not a morning person, so I get brekkie ready while he will take care of dinner. This can vary of course, but there's no "this is a woman's job, and this is a man's job" thing between us. I have always been used to doing chores and harder tasks around the house, including moving furniture, painting, drilling, etc. This works great for us because it means the whole house doesn't risk falling apart if one of us isn't there or able to do something. To me this is true equality: some degree of specialisation if one is better at something or likes to do it, but the tasks are divided as they arise and the other will make up if one took on more at some point. I actually find it kind of funny that these older men get so offended by the fact that he doesn't just sit around drinking beer with them while I bustle around like a good housewife (ahem) - I guess it just questions their balance too much and they're worried their wives will start demanding that they cook dinner, hahaha! :-)

in terms of responsibility, my western self and bu...

2010-01-11T00:30:26.020-06:00

in terms of responsibility, my western self and bulgarian boyfriend share the burdon; in terms of execution, the daily "female tasks" are shared half and half, while I will do the larger amount (but far from all of the) weekly or monthly "feemale tasks". in exchange, i get coffee delivered to the bed each morning, which more than compensates. "male tasks" will be done by him, though with me as support, meaning teasing him a bit and trying to understand what he is doing, so i could be of help next time.

ah, my fave topic... I am not in a bi-cultural rel...

2010-01-11T00:20:01.241-06:00

ah, my fave topic... I am not in a bi-cultural relationship, yet the gender-related housework division was something that bothered me since the first day I got married. I tried lots of ways with hubby to bring in some change as much as possible in his routines and habits which mainly were... well, his parents to take care of everything at home and he happily indulging :) After 10 years of marriage now /and all the tears, laughs and tension on the matter/ I really think that the entire life of an individual /both males and females/,their marrital happiness and home management or family organisational skills etc might depend on how much they used to be included in the family life and house management when they were kids or when living with parents... this is not only a way to make your kids independent and ready to cope efficiently in their own family environment later but also this means to make them 'see'and care that things around them /like food, an ironed shirt or sparkly bathroom/ don't just happen by themselves and that someone actually has spent /and not little!/ physical effort on that... In a society /not only here in Bulgaria/ where women need to work equally as bread-winners - very few can stay at home and be housewives - it is really not easy for a wife to manage all the house and kids and shopping while her hubby can be taken in 'the game' on the rarest occasions when a fuse is out or a bulb needs a change :) my point here is that people left unconcerned and unbothered about housework /when living with their own parents/ till the age of thirty can't possibly chnage much just because they happend to get married to an organised and home-conscious wife who wants help not because is lazy to do it but just tired. These problems are parents-related and really root in the upbringing... so when we become parents... it's our time to think how another person will feel and live with our son or daughter when trying to clean the mess in their room while they are blissfully watching TV

What others do does not mean much - it's what and ...

2010-01-10T22:55:08.127-06:00

What others do does not mean much - it's what and your partner are comfortable doing as a team. You just have to talk about it openly.

In our house, Yana would be doing all of that. Sh...

2010-01-10T22:02:48.743-06:00

In our house, Yana would be doing all of that. She doesn't trust me with the heavy lifting.