Daily Routines

Kyle (who never leaves the house without a camera) says that people are mistaken about good photographers. He says that most of us think that professional photographers take good pictures because they are exceptionally talented or have super equipment. According to the Professor, even though talent and equipment are big factors, one of the most important reason why good photographers take great pictures is that they take MANY pictures EVERY DAY.

I don't doubt this because I've heard a lot of people say the same about writers. Good writers become excellent writers by writing every day.

Memphis Sunset.

So now I take a camera with me everywhere I go and try to write here more regularly. Hope you'll help me keep at it.

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Gender roles in bi-cultural relationships

When our pipes froze, I started calling people for help. I called Angie whose dad has a maintenance company. I texted friends, I updated my Facebook status, searched the local Craigslist. Everyone and their mother knew that we needed a plumber. I was able to talk to about a thousand plumbers who gave me very consistent and straight-forward directions:

1. Find any vents and/or openings in your basement and make sure they are shut.
2. Find the central switch and turn your water off when you leave your house.
3. Turn your heat up.
4. Wait and listen for sounds of water leaking.

I did a great job of taking notes and communicating their directions but at no point in time did it occur to me that I would be involved in the actual implementation of the advice. I just sort of... well... assumed that my husband would go out into the garage, locate the appropriate tools and take care of vents, openings, central water switches, whatever.

That's exactly what he did. He covered the vents, found the switch, turned the water off when we left the house, turned it back on when we came back, turned the heat up, kept checking the faucets, etc. etc.

I can't remember the last time I felt as Bulgarian as I felt earlier today.


As many of you already know, I find Bulgarians quite curious on the gender equality front. Bulgarian women have been getting higher education degrees in "traditionally male" disciplines forever. Most women work outside of their home. Our legal framework is fairly progressive, granting a variety of provisions that make parenthood and child-care manageable. Women are still paid less, get promoted less quickly and are often harassed by their male colleagues but, generally, women do alright in the public sphere.

The domestic space is a bit different. Most Bulgarian families are quite traditional when it comes to the division of domestic labor. Women do most of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, family networking; men change light bulbs, work on the car, take out the trash and do other "manly" jobs. This angers me quite a bit as most of the time it's women who end up taking up most of the burden in household management. Yeah, sure, men do difficult jobs but those are jobs that happen only once in a while. Women cook, clean, etc. every day.

I see a lot of that in my own family (although my dad is a big helper) and friends. And I notice some of it on my own end... albeit our own dynamic is a bit different. Kyle and I are good about sharing all of our household responsibilities... BUT... I can't be bothered with "typically male" tasks: mowing our small lawn, changing light-bulbs, screwing in lose screws, and, today, closing off open vents.

I am very embarrassed by this and had a hard time deciding whether to write about this but I thought it'd give us an opportunity to have a good conversation about gender roles in our bi-cultural relationships. Based on little stories I've heard here and there, it seems to me that the division of household labor along gender lines can be a big source of tension between people: for example, Bulgarian women expecting their non-Bulgarian partners to be handy-men and Bulgarian men expecting most cooking and cleaning be done by their partner...

Is that how things have been with you? Do share even if you prefer to do so anonymously!

Either, or

I am in Bulgaria right now. Kyle had to stay in Germany because he needs to teach German philosophy to German kids in English. I miss him so much and I find it difficult to be here without him. When you get married you become so used to having your buddy with you at all times. He is my husband, yes, but he is also my thinking partner and my sounding board and I have a harder time making sense of things around me without having him around to talk them over with.

I have either become co-dependent or I have really found a true partner. Either way, life is better when we are together.

Relationships, past and present

Susan Mernit looks at her past and present relationships and notices that she has a habit of repeating herself. My favorite friends are all unique, but I can see them in related ways, she writes. It’s not that they’re the same, far from it—but I do discern some themes. She says that her friends and lovers usually fall under one of the following "categories":

• The man who wants to change the world, at least a part of it
• The smartass, sincere smart guy
• The beauty with brains
• The smarties and the geeks
• Survivors, every type
• Fish out of water

Forget the particular categories, but I think that Mernit is right that there are themes to our relationships that get played out over and over again. Upon very quick reflection, I realize that I am usually drawn people who are:

• Older than me: most of my friends, in fact, are. Not sure why but I've always felt like I was older than my actual age. In fact, there's an old family tale of my kindergarten teacher looking over my shoulder to see how I was doing with my drawing and me looking up at her and telling her, Don't worry about me. Just go help the kids.
  
  
• Social or political activists: What can I say. I am a sucker for hope and love people that have the imagination and guts to conceive of a better world.
  
  
• Intellectuals: If I had to pick one category, actually, that would be the one. The one common thread in most of my relationships is that I like to be surrounded by professional thinkers: professorial types, journalists, writers, artists. They are thoughtful readers, fantastic conversationalists, good writers. They have opinions and are not afraid to share them with the world.

How about you guys? What type of people do YOU surround yourself with? .

Following through

It is officially Fall here in Pennsylvania. It's cold in the morning and really HOT in the afternoon.

On my way home today I fantasized about walking into our apartment, taking my clothes off the way girls in TV commercials do and throwing myself on the couch. Then, I thought, I would get myself a beer.

Just then I found myself in front of our building. Standing face-in-face with our downstairs neighbor: shirtless, barefoot, beer in one hand and cigarette in the other. He, it seems, had had the same fantasy.

Only difference was that he had gone through with it.

American, again

The other day prof. Grady and I went to a place called Irving's. As we were adding half $ half to our coffee, we started talking about the new cups they were using. MUCH better insulated... just SO MUCH BETTER, really. We leave and start walking down the street and keep talking about the cups and how wonderful they are and how great it is to be able to just HOLD your coffee and not feel like your hand is about to turn into charcoal and fall off.

That's when we realize we have already slipped back into being American. We expect fast, reliable, high-quality service + convenience, convenience, convenience everywhere we go.

I've got mixed feelings about this. On the one hand, I feel like I'm turning into a more uptight version of myself. I want things and I want them NOW. On the other hand, however, this uptight version of me is significantly more... relaxed. So I'll think twice before I complain about this.

Smiling Bulgarians

Prof. Grady and I went grocery shopping yesterday to a biggish store called FANTASTICO. Pretty fantastic, I know.

We were sort of arguing over what kind of pasta would go with the sauce we had in mind when I was distracted by a middle-aged couple walking by. Were they doing anything strange? you might wonder. Well, they were speaking American English. Which, in our neck of the woods counts as mighty strange behavior.

So I did what any self-respecting Southerner would do. I stuck my nose right into their business (the herbs and spices section of FANTASTICO) and asked them, Are you guys AMERICAN!? Which prompted a lengthy conversation about produce markets and rude driving in Bulgaria, among other things. They were sweet and honest and we really liked talking to them... except for I kind of hated one thing the guy said and it's sort of been bothering me for the last 24 hours or so...

He said that when they first got here he really hated Bulgaria and especially hated Bulgarians. He thought they were really unfriendly people and felt like it took 6 months to force a smile out of somebody.

Which is totally NOT my experience with Bulgarians, although, I realize I am not exactly the one to speak with the utmost authority on the subject. I got really taken aback for some reason but have been trying to hide if from my husband as at the end of the conversation he said Ah! It's so nice to finally find someone who shares some of my frustrations with Bulgaria...

I think he was mostly referring to the rude driving part of the conversation...

Like a good wife, instead of talking to him, I am blogging about it.