Life In The Trenches: Dessie Tarlton

YES! Life in the Trenches is back! Today I introduce you to Dessie Tarlton who I met via the How to Marry a Bulgarian group on Facebook. Internet buddies ROCK! I hope you enjoy her answers as much as I did!

Tell us a little bit about yourself. Who are you, what do you do, where do you live?

My name is Dessie Tarlton, I am 27 and Bulgarian. I spent the first half of my life in Sofia and the second in the UK. I am a financial analyst and I recently moved to join my husband in Moscow, where we expect to live another year or two before moving to Southeast Asia. We figure we deserve something warmer after a few Russian winters!


How did you and your husband meet?

I was posted in Moscow for six months a few years ago and a week after I arrived my colleagues organized my birthday party. One of them brought along a friend from Texas who had just got off the plane and was starting his new job. That’s pretty much it! We got married a year later in Houston at a cinema car park at 9.00 in the morning. Later we had a proper wedding in Arbanassi, Bulgaria.


What is the best thing about being in a relationship with someone who comes from a very different background than yours?

Since I’ve lived away from home I always knew I wouldn’t marry a Bulgarian, but I never expected to marry a Texan. Before I met Dudley I had never even visited the US and had only met American tourists in the UK. My preconception of America was far from positive but he changed it pretty fast. I love having the opportunity to experience his culture. In my eyes, the choice between the different cultures in our lives is what makes our relationship even better. What really baffles me is how it is possible to find someone who has the same beliefs, morals and ideas of life as I do while being brought up so differently? We are both open to adopting new things. Now that we live in Moscow we get to compare Russian culture with English, Bulgarian, American and Dutch and decide which we are going to go by.

What are some of your biggest cultural clashes: food, social life, domesticity, communication, family?

Because neither of us lives in our home country we spend more time dealing with our clashes with Russian culture than our own.

I read your post about male and female responsibilities at home and I love to say that he definitely doesn’t go by those stereotypes. We really do everything together, whether it’s putting furniture together, moving it or cleaning and cooking. I love that because it’s still our time and not a chore. I think culturally that clashes with the way I was brought up but I wouldn’t have it any other way : )

A big clash is eating! Dudley loves Bulgarian food so when the table is set he eats everything on his plate in 15 minutes. In my family we talk and drink and eat all evening so he keeps getting seconds and thirds and then complains we feed him too much. I am the same in Houston, they feed me Tex-Mex three times a day, where everyone consumes vast quantities of cheese in record-setting time and I spend most of my days there unable to move.

How often do you get to visit family and friends (yours and his)?

In that respect we are very lucky. We travel for work all the time so when it comes to the holidays we always go home to either Houston or Sofia. I would say we visit home twice a year each and our families visit us once a year.

Has your partner picked up any typically Bulgarian habits, sayings, etc.?

Yes he has : ) Zdrasti, zdrasti dai pari za pasti is my favourite. He can never remember what it means but it makes me laugh. He also loves dancing the horo though just like all our non-Bulgarian relatives and friends he can’t seem to get it.

What is your advice for other couples who in bi-cultural relationships?

Embrace diversity because it’s one of the best things about our world. Seeing other cultures through the one you love is the best way of experiencing it – so enjoy it!

Thank you so much, Dessie! Hope to meet you two in person some day!

***

If you guys are interested in participating in the series, let me know, OK! I am trying to spice things up a little bit and ask slightly different questions each time. Although, I must say, I never tire of hearing food and language stories. Dessie's mentioning of Zdrasti, zdrasti made me laugh really hard... Kyle knows the rhyme too but every time he says it, he insist it doesn't make any sense.

Life in the Trenches: John Zajec

You are going to LOVE this: Vely's husband John contributes to the Life in the Trenches series. I don't know about you guys, but reading this really makes me wish I lived in California so I could invite myself to a dinner party at these two's house. They are both hilarious!

Please introduce yourself. Who are you? What do you do? Where are you and your partner from? Where do you currently live?

Hi! I'm Vely's husband, John. It's been a really long journey to find out who I am and believe we really never know, but we find out interesting things about ourselves and others along the way while trying to learn a bit of wisdom each day. What I do is live all aspects of my life with compassion and vigor. Complete immersion in the lives of my children, work, wife, myself, real and virtual worlds is the only way to make this existence worthwhile. Born and raised in Southern California, I lived in one house for my first twenty one years and then lived in twenty eight different dwellings since. Finally entrenched in what might be my final destination.

How did you and your partner meet?

Either wittingly or not, my Mother-in-Law introduced us through my father. They were friends within the very non-Melrose Place apartment complex and thought it was a good idea for Vely and I to meet.

Having learned early in my dating career not to get deeply involved with California girls, I dedicated any romantic entanglement to only include those outside a 2000 mile radius of said State. Always anticipating meeting a girl from back East (New York, New Jersey, Florida, etc…), I never imagined I would find a girl from that far back east.

Since I was not really looking for a relationship at the time, but incredibly intrigued by Vely, I did what any American would do…I asked her to go running. She was shocked when I actually showed up the following morning at 7am dressed to hit the track. We ran for a month (each day, not one long run) and then I finally asked her out. There's debate when we actually started going out, but we both agree it was when we actually went horseback riding and then to Thai food.

How did your friends and family initially respond to your relationship? Have their reactions changed?

My friends were typically intrigued as well and always referred to Vely (out of her presence) as "The Bulgarian". I'd always dated "interesting" girls, so they took it all in stride and really enjoyed her from the beginning.

My dad and mom loved Vely from the start. Mom was incredibly wise and just knew.

No one's reaction has changed. They are still madly in love with her…so am I.

How do your different backgrounds play into your relationship?

Where to start? There is not a day which goes by where our backgrounds do not clash head on. Generally with some grumblings of "Typical American" or "Frickin' Foreigner" following an invigorated, yet playful, discussion.

Our separate backgrounds help to compliment our relationship and development of our children.

The success of our relationship is based on both of us being raised by very good parents providing us great values and lots of love. In that respect, the backgrounds are identical.

What are some of your biggest cultural clashes: food , social life, domesticity, communication, family?

FOOD

Exploring eating behaviors has been quite comical with both of us initially at extremes on many foods. We have both gravitated towards a large sphere of food choices, but still have wide gaps between taste buds. A few differences regarding consumption choices in third person:

Vely never had cold cereal in her life prior to coming to the United States. John ate cold cereal in lieu of dinner.

John never put dirt on his toast. Vely had several spices resembling soils from different countries sprinkled on various breads and toasts.

Hazelnut was a color for John. Vely had it as a basic food group.

Turns out plain yogurt goes with EVERYTHING for Vely. John thought it was sour cream when he first tried it.

Vely would eat half sandwiches, John ate full sandwiches.

John would race through his food almost without tasting. Vely would create an afternoon of eating the half sandwich.

SOCIAL LIFE

For Vely meeting at 6pm meant anytime between 6pm and 7pm. For John it meant 6:10pm (always late). Now we are always on time.

Going out for John was three six packs of beer with three friends and watching sports. Social life for Vely was doing something cultural like ballet, then chatting at a coffee shop for hours.

COMMUNICATION

Yikes, on this one….John very direct and to the point, almost rude. Vely would take a virtual road trip through three countries to tell John she made the bed.

If the phone rang, Vely would leap over furniture or walk through fire to answer it. John would let it go to message and call the person back in a few days.

While on the phone, if there was more than a nanosecond of space between words, Vely would start saying "Halo, Hallllo, Halllllo?" in the fear they hung up. During the silence, John would hang up and wait for the person to leave a message on the call back and then call them back in a few days.

DOMESTICATION

Vely domesticated, John almost there.

FAMILY

About the same, except for the language. Similar values and great parenting on both sides.

What do you love about being in such a relationship?

This might sound cliché, but I hope she and I are holding hands when we are 90 years old. She's it and I love every little nuance about her and our relationship. There's not a day which goes by where I realize how truly unique and special Vely is to the world and my life.

Do you have kids? What part does Bulgaria play in their lives?



We have the greatest kids on the planet partly due to the blend of cultures.

How often do you travel to Bulgaria and what are your visits like?

I'd move there in a heartbeat and live a very happy and content life. Eventually we'd like to split the year between here and the rest of the world with a heavy emphasis on Bulgaria.

Visiting Bulgaria brought out something within me which helped me realize my innate culture. My four grandparents migrated individually from Austria(Slovenia) and met in the United States. When in Bulgaria, I'd often sneak away alone to experience the culture and people. Outside of a few words of Bulgarian, my communication was limited to the universal language we all speak as humans and found Bulgarians very willing to help me navigate through their world.

Every inch of Bulgaria was an experience for all my senses and not a disappointing one. Every minute whether driving cross country or in the mountains, family homes, monasteries, villages, hotels, churches, streets, shops, restaurants, the barber shop (got my haircut there without any help from family),beaches, and the list goes on drive my thirst to return.

Any advice for other people who are in the early stages of a committed relationship with a Bulgarian?

Be patient and brace yourself for a wonderful adventure with a culturally rich and caring person. Having a relationship with a Bulgarian means you will have a relationship with the entire family. It's a wonderful thing, enjoy.

Thank you so much, John! Upon hearing the communication part of your story, Kyle laughed for 10 minutes straight and then proceeded to draw a picture of a "Bulgarian" story-telling pattern. I would be happy to share that with you if y'all are interested.

Life In The Trenches: Samantha Hristova

You know how often I say that I like hearing from you guys or I mention that I receive a lot of email from readers asking about this, that or the other. A couple of days ago a friend of mine asked me if I made that up. NO. I definitely do NOT. And Samantha, who you are about to meet, is my witness. We've been pals for a couple of years now, she sent us home-made martenitsi last March and the fact that we haven't actually met in person doesn't matter all that much. She's really great!

Please introduce yourself. Who are you? What do you do? Where do you currently live? Where are you and your partner from?

Zdrasti. My name is Samantha Hristova (formerly Cunning). I'm 27, born in Ohio in the USA, from a typical mixed ancestry American family. (German, Irish, French, English) Today, I'm a Librarian at a Library Software company in Virginia, but I also have an Art Degree and love to draw when I get the chance. I live here with my Bulgarian husband Metodi and our tom-cat Mechka. Our closest family is a 4 hour drive away in Kentucky. My husband was born in Sofia, and raised alternately there and in a wonderful mountain town called Peshtera. Peshtera is the Bulgarian word for cave and reflects that fact that the area is full of many beautiful caves, Snejanka for example.


How did you and your partner meet?

I get asked this all the time when people find out my husband is from Bulgaria (where's that?!). We met online. Yes, online. We met on last.fm, which is a site that records statistics on the music you listen to at your PC and gives you billboard charts. It's 2.0, meaning it has social networking functionality and you can chat and make friends and email. I got a message from a guy asking about a band on my list of artists. This was Metodi. He'd sent everyone who listened to this artist an email trying to find more songs or something... Anyway, I answered and we somehow started emailing daily. We had our moments of getting out of touch but we always had great conversations when we had the ability/time to talk. In the Summer of 2007 we got to talk nearly daily again and we were feeling a little more romantic toward one another. Since I was in Grad school and has some extra college cash I decided it would be fun to have my first excursion out of the US, visit Bulgaria, and meet this guy. I decided this in August. By September I had tickets and we were thinking of the possibility of getting married. By December 8th I was there and we were married on the 21st.

How did your friends and family initially respond to your relationship?

Ha, well my mother of course went nuts. I had to tell her I wasn't going to be there for Christmas and thus where I WAS going to be. You're flying across the world to spend a month with and probably marry a man you've never met??? Do you know that Bulgaria is a hub for drugs , etc? She probably read every bad thing you can read about BG. She contacted American people in Bulgaria about me and asked if I could come there if I needed to... She made me register with some government site for travelers too.

His family on the other hand seemed to accept me immediately. His mom is adorable and cried when she saw me. Everyone was always jabbering at me, hugging me and shoving food and drinks at me. Grinning when I said, "blagodarya", "merci" and "mmm... hoobava."

Have their reactions changed?

When I sent my Mom pictures a day or so after being there, she was okay. Normal guy, normal family, smiles and food. After that she was fine. When I came back unscathed with presents, a ring, and no husband, she helped me manage my rage against the Immigration Department and wrote some eloquent letters to go in our Immigration packet. She also sent tons of cards to Bulgaria for Metodi's birthday and other holidays while we were apart.

His family is still wonderful and I know they miss him a lot. We video chat on Skype with them when we can. We are trying to go back next year around September unless you other Bulgarians know of the best/cheapest time to go and where to get those cheap tickets!

How do your different backgrounds play into your relationship?


Oh well we have our moments. Gender specific cultural upbringing and expectations. We're both incredibly stubborn and independent. Politics is something we don't bother talking about. I'm an ideological naive Amerikanska and he's a paranoid, apathetic Bulgarian. :) I love Bulgarian food and I do my best to mix it in to our diet. Moussaka, banitsa, snejanka salad, sarmi. Luckily we have a world food store in town that carries Sirene, kashkaval, yufka, shipka marmalad, grape leaves, and tons of yummy sweets like those chocolate filled Biskrem duo cookies! Metodi still doesn't drive and it sometimes makes me crazy having to drive him everywhere, I'm ready to drag him bodily to the DMV. He was horrified that our bathrooms don't have drains in the floor. I'm horrified that my bathroom floor is often wet... :D He hates that there is nothing but American rock and country on the radio (I agree). My family is Protestant and I'm not sure how holidays without the presence of alcohol will seem, we'll have to see at Christmas, lol. I also think he finds me frivolous with our money, though I consider myself very frugal for an American.

What are some of your biggest cultural clashes: food, social life, domesticity, communication, family?

I don't know, Metodi has been happy to try all new kinds of food. He still likes BUTTER on his sandwiches instead of mayo...but I can forgive that as long as I don't have to eat it. We both miss our friends, as I moved to Virginia at the beginning of this year, about 1 month before Metodi came with his VISA. Communication would probably be the main one though I think we're getting better. He yells and doesn't think he's yelling. I'm conditioned to think that anyone raising their voice means they are angry! It's just part of the culture in Bulgaria, man can they fill a room with noise! I remember one time in Peshtera during a family dinner asking why they were yelling at each other, what was wrong? Everyone laughed. *shrug* Ha, and I also dig some pretty awful Chalga (which Metodi despises) like Ustata and Sofi Marinova. The only time I dread knowing Bulgarian is when I think about how I will feel about those songs once I understand the lyrics. For now, they are quite catchy though!

What do you love about being in such a relationship?

Oh there's always something to laugh about and discover. Though I totally suck at Bulgarian I love trying to learn it. I love that we have a second family in a beautiful place across the globe. I love getting to see America and Americans through a non-native perspective. And I love seeing Metodi try new things here. Can't wait for Thanksgiving. :)

Do you have kids? What part does "BULGARIA" play in their lives?

No kids. But I hope if we do have them that by that time my Bulgarian will be better! I want them to know both languages. I think that's very important. I also hope that by then we'll be able to afford at least one trip back every year so they can enjoy that part of their culture too.

How often do you travel to Bulgaria and what are your visits like?

I've been 3 times and we haven't been back since Metodi got here at the end of January this year. As I've said, we hope to visit next year. Like all pathetic American vacations I'll only have about 2 weeks a year. :( I love it there though. Especially Peshtera, where we have our own place and can spend time in the Mountains with the less hectic part of the family. Not that I don't love the Sofia family too, it's just busy there and not as relaxed.

Has your relation to Bulgaria changed as a result of your being in this relationship?

Ha, well I didn't really know anything about the country. I probably hadn't heard of it till I met Metodi online. So definitely. Now I consider it one of my homes. :)

Any advice for other people who are in the early stages of a committed relationship with a Bulgarian?

They're not yelling at you, they're just loud! Don't underestimate the Kamenitsa or the Rakia. Try the local wine, it's probably stupendous. Never trust a menu that says they can make a 'Mexican Pizza' unless you really like hotdogs on your pizza. Do your best to learn Bulgarian, eventually you'll be able to pronounce those insane multisyllabic, vowel deprived words! Bring gifts for your Bulgarian family when you visit. Visit Sofia and Plovdiv, but spend more time in the mountains, plains and beaches. Take strange compliments on your figure with a grain of salt. Try some banitsa, snejanka salad, duner, nucrema. Stay away from boza! But most of all talk a lot and try to understand each other as best you can. :)

For next week, I am working on getting Vely and Eva's husbands to do a collective commentary on their experiences being Husbands of Bulgarians. Keep your fingers crossed they agree to do it.

Life In The Trenches: Yolina Stoyanova Brunner

Hey, I'm sorry I forgot to upload this interview on Wednesday. It's been a busy week and even though I am trying to create a somewhat regular blogging schedule for myself... I have a hard time keeping up. Anyway, meet Yo and Marcel! And can I please draw attention to the fact that we seem to be one very good looking bunch of people?!

Please introduce yourself. Who are you? What do you do? Where are you and your partner from? Where do you currently live?
My name is Yolina, I am 33; I am Bulgarian and my husband, Marcel, is German speaking Swiss. I am finance manager for an e-commerce company; Marcel is a project manager for financial software. We are together for 7 years, married since one and we currently live in Switzerland.

How did you and your partner meet?
During my last year in university in Bulgaria, I applied for internship in Switzerland. I knew almost nothing about every day life there – average costs, accommodation etc., so I searched randomly on ICQ for a Swiss person at my age to ask about the most burning issues. Marcel was the first one on the list. I did not know if it was he or she, but he spoke English and he had 10 min to answer my very concrete questions. The internship did not work out, but we kept chatting every once in a while and really enjoyed each other's company. A year later I accepted another internship, in Germany, and he came to meet me in person. Later on we fell in love.


How did your friends and family initially respond to your relationship? Have their reactions changed? My friends did not have any special reaction. My parents, from the other side, were very cautious. Although they were open minded and educated people they lived most of their lives during the socialism and they never had any Western friends. Their biggest concern was that Marcel, as someone from such rich country, may look down on us, the "underdeveloped" Bulgarians. It took them about a day after they met him to realize how irrelevant their fears were. They were impressed that he was always calm and in a good mood, no matter the circumstances, and although he wasn't blind for the flying plastic bags in the air judging was the last thing on his mind. Instead he was fascinated by the explosive Bulgarian emotions ("Yo, you are all talking at the same time!") and the fact that everyone wanted to feed him. A few years later he went to visit my family without me - I was being interviewed for jobs in Switzerland. During his visit he experienced the Bulgarian summer as native - learning about cultural life in Varna with my mom, beer & football with my dad and of course participated in the home lyutenitsa production. From this point onwards he stopped being The Swiss. He became one of us.

How do your different backgrounds play into your relationship?
My generation was 13 when the socialism in Bulgaria collapsed, so my teenage years and early 20s were heavily impacted by a major social change. We lived through hyperinflation, unemployment, political demonstrations and travel limitations – facts, which never occurred in Switzerland. I never thought it's a big drama, honestly, it's just how life happened. My safest circle has always been my family and close friends. But in our relationship I realized the impact of these events on me. I had a haunting fear that something may collapse any minute. What if my pension fund bankrupts tomorrow? Or the bank? Or if my work permit is not prolonged? At the same time when something did go not as planned, I did not panic and just managed somehow. For Marcel was exactly the opposite – he had some turbulences in his family, but society, on the other hand, changed calmly. In this society there were always jobs for educated people. The health care system functioned smoothly. Insurance companies covered risks. Despite its challenges his life was, in a good way, more predictable then mine. I was amazed and annoyed by his calmness. He couldn't understand why I was always so suspicious towards everything. This led to ongoing steamy discussions where we were explaining to each other our axiomatic believes and behaviours. It was emotionally draining and enriching at the same time.

What are some of your biggest cultural clashes: food, social life, domesticity, communication, family?
I am a messy person, so it was definitely an issue. My definition of "clean" was "bring the item to the same condition it was before it got dirty", while Marcel insisted on "make this item look as if it was never used before", which is quite Swiss. He found it strange that I talk to my family on daily basis. But then he also got into it and now he is probably more up to date with my relatives then with his own. Generally, it was beneficial to learn from each other and make peace.

What do you love about being in such a relationship?
It makes me more open minded, more tolerant. It shows me that there is an alternative of "my way" without making my way the wrong one. It turns me into a better version of me. Despite all differences I truly love this person and his weird custom to put cheese on all kinds of food, including Indian.

Do you have kids? What part does "BULGARIA" play in their lives?
We have no kids yet, but Bulgaria will play a role of course. Bulgaria is part of who I am and who has more influence on children then their own mom? Marcel also speaks good Bulgarian and loves the country, we share friends. Thing is, after all these years, our nationalities do not hang between us like exotic pink elephants. They naturally blend with who we are as people. Each culture is a heritage and it's just great that our future kids can benefit from both of them.

How often do you travel to Bulgaria and what are your visits like?
Two times per year. We both easily switch to "Bulgarian mode" – food is great, people are rarely on time, it's quite difficult to plan anything ahead, but hey – we both feel at home. And then we experience Bulgaria in remarkably different way. He relaxes and simply enjoys our way of living. He accepts things which would drive him crazy in Switzerland, because he thinks it's disrespectful to lecture people on how things should be unless explicitly asked for it. The only thing he can't stand even for a minute is the totally irresponsible driving. While I am emotionally connected with Bulgaria and keep seeing what can be improved and I am annoyed when it takes too long. Also my mom suddenly passed away two years ago, which obviously impacts me a lot. So although I enjoy our visits, it is rather stressful for me. We travel in the country a bit, meet some friends and relatives. The best part is when we all sit together until late at night and it's hot and we go into these major discussions about life and politics and problems and solutions... It's true, we all talk at the same time and I am loving it!

Has your relation to Bulgaria changed as a result of your being in this relationship?
Yes. I do not expect Bulgaria to represent me, but rather the other way round – I represent my country in every possible way. When I meet new people I assume that they have no prejudices based on my origin. If I manage to leave good impressions I am giving them nice association with Bulgaria as well. It's my way to confirm good impressions and to confront negative clichés by providing positive alternative. I am not trying to sugar coat with good behaviour the problems which Bulgaria currently faces. Today we have to cope with the consequences of many bad decisions taken at the time when we were still kids. I can't change the past, but I chose to learn from it and be a Bulgarian who smiles more often, recycles, doesn't bribe, someone careful with cynicism... I bet I am not the only one. A few more and we will reach Gladwell's tipping point.

Any advice for other people who are in the early stages of a committed relationship with a Bulgarian?
Just be authentic :). The rest will come naturally. Also, here are two book hints - For the non-Bulgarian partner - get The Lonely Planet! That's a good read for those moments when your partner is surrounded by other Bulgarians and you'd rather leave her/him to socialize without you. Lonely Planet provides crash course in Bulgarian language and history. And it will inspire you to visit the country as independent traveller - it is worth it.

If you are Bulgarian trying to explain to your partner unexplainable national habits then I can recommend the book "What Makes Us Different and Similar: A New Interpretation of the World Values Survey and Other Cross-Cultural Data" by Mihail Minkov (in Bulgarian "Европейци сме ний, ама..." България върху културната карта на света") - it gives interesting interpretations on why are Bulgarians so superstitious or why have different attitude towards different ethnic minorities etc.

Hope y'all are still enjoying this series as much as I am!

Life in the Trenches: Eva Popov Bowen

I am very excited to introduce Eva Popov Bowen. Eva is one of my oldest blog-buddies. We've been reading each other's blogs for years AND she's the one who gave me the idea of instituting Life in the Trenches Wednesday. She's also Vely Zajec's little sister. ENJOY!

Please introduce yourself. Who are you? What do you do? Where do you currently live? Where are you and your partner from?

Hi Everyone! My name is Eva Bowen (though most Bulgarians would spell my name as Iva. I am Iva Popova on my BG passport, and Eva Popov on my US passport; it's all very confusing ;). I was born in 1979 in Sofia, Bulgaria and lived there until 1991 when my family moved to the U.S. I now live in Southern California with my [American] husband Bret, daughter Maya, and two big, hairy dogs, Whitney & Riley. My mom, dad and sister and I all live really close to each other. I work for an Asset Management/Financial Planning firm and Bret is a teacher. Maya is currently employed as the cutest 16-month old baby girl.

How did you and your partner meet?

Bret and I met 10 years ago at a party, a mutual friend introduced us. The following night Bret and his roommates were having a band play at their house and he invited us over. We've basically been together since the night we met.

How did your friends and family initially respond to your relationship?
My friends loved Bret. We already had some mutual friends, so we all sort of hung out together. My parents were a bit skeptical at first -- Bret is a lifeguard in the summers, so when my mom and dad met him, he was super tan with wild blond hair, he was 24 and I was 19.

Have their reactions changed?
When my parents found out he was a MATH teacher and a "responsible young man" they softened up a lot. Now? Now, if my dad calls the house and I happen to pick up, the conversation goes something like this: "Hi Iventze (oh yeah, here's something that's confusing for Americans … all the nicknames we have for each other). How are you? Can I talk to Bret?"

How do your different backgrounds play into your relationship?
I would say Bret's upbringing is very traditionally American and mine more of a mixture of Bulgarian and American. I feel like I was exposed to more and have a little more of an understanding of other cultures and traditions.

What are some of your biggest cultural clashes: food, social life, domesticity, communication, family?
Food – this is our biggest clash. Bret is meat and potatoes. I am shopska salata and tarator. Thankfully, we both agree on dessert.
Social life – it is currently close to non-existent (see 16-month old above)
Domesticity – Bret's mom stayed home and his dad worked. I think this is how he envisioned his future family. My mom and dad both worked. I always knew I would need to have my own career, even when I had children.
Communication/Family – in general, Bulgarians are louder communicators. I think my family always "out talked" Bret's family. I also talk to my family on the phone a lot. Usually several times a day. I still check in with my mom and dad.

What do you love about being in such a relationship?
I love that we get to celebrate additional holidays. I love that we've both added traditions that were not a part of our lives before we met. I love that it has made us more open-minded.

Do you have kids? What part does "BULGARIA" play in their lives?


I want "BULGARIA" and "AMERICA" to play equal roles in Maya's life. I always said "my kid will absolutely speak Bulgarian." I am already behind the ball on that, I find myself speaking English to Maya 90% of the time. I have also learned that so many of my pre- conceived notions of motherhood and the "always" and "nevers" in regards to children were just plain wrong and/or unattainable, but that's a whole other topic!

How often do you travel to Bulgaria and what are your visits like?
Not nearly as often as I'd like. A huge reason for the lack of frequent trips is my job and the fact that I only have three weeks of vacation a year. Yes, to the Bulgarian/European readers, three weeks for the entire year! Vacations and maternity leave are awful in the US. Anyhow, you need at least two to three weeks for a proper Bulgarian trip, which makes balancing vacation time rough.

Has your relation to Bulgaria changed as a result of your being in this relationship?
Even thought I don't make the physical trip over to Bulgaria as often as I'd like, I have a very strong connection to Bulgaria. We still have lots of aunts, uncles, cousins and friends there. And having my immediate family here has kept my Bulgarian-ness even though I've lived in the US longer than I lived in Bulgaria. I don't think my relationship to Bulgaria has changed because I am married to a non-Bulgarian.

Any advice for other people who are in the early stages of a committed relationship with a Bulgarian?
Hmm. Not great at relationship advice, but since you ask ;) Expect that his/her Bulgarian relatives will talk very loud, will greet you with a kiss on the cheek (both men and women). Expect to eat a lot during family gatherings. Learn to love rakia. Otherwise, pretty much all other relationship rules apply…

Thanks for doing this, Petya! Are you (and your husband) going to answer these questions?

THANK YOU SO MUCH, EVA!

To answer your question, I didn't think I would want to participate in the series, but you guys have been giving such thoughtful, interesting and entertaining answers to my questions that I have been thinking about how all these things play out in my own marriage. So, I guess, I might reconsider. Kyle said he'd be up for it too. Before that, though, next week I am introducing you to Yolina who lives in Zurich with her German-Swiss husband Marcel. As always, let me know if you would like to participate in the series.

Life in the Trenches: Vely Zajec

Administrative note: I am going to follow Eva's advice and am now declaring Thursdays "Life in the Trenches Thursday". This way even if you don't care about the rest of the stuff that I write about, you can still come by once a week and read the interviews.

Vely's interview that you are about to enjoy came to me on September 30. In her email she wrote: "John and I just realized that the day we met, the one I describe below, is actually tomorrow - October 1. Seventeen years ago, holly s#it!"

Enjoy the interview and please wish Vely and John a very happy, albeit belated, anniversary!

Please introduce yourself. Who are you? What do you do? Where are you and your partner from? Where do you currently live?

My name is Vely. I was born and raised in Sofia, Bulgaria. In 1991, when I was first year in college, my family and I moved to the States. A year and a half after my arrival I met my husband John. He and I have been happily married since 1995 and living in California with our two kids. I am an Architect, John is in Real Estate, and our children are both spastic goofballs.

How did you and your partner meet?

We met at an apartment complex at the City of Orange, CA, where I lived with my parents at the time. One summer evening I spotted an intriguing guy out my window. He looked like a corporate dude that had unraveled back to his crazy casual self in the car. Seemed determined and in a hurry, darkest shades, cutest nose, but most importantly, he was carrying in his hand his shirt and shoes, but his tie was still on! The universe may have paused for a second…

So we met later that week in front of the laundry room. Yes, yes, it was one of those moments, imagine it in slow motion. Turns out he lived 5 apartment doors down. Turns out he is 100% Slovenian (but second generation US born, so pretty much all American). Turns out the Eastern European looking dude my dad had been cracking jokes and smoking with by the pool every night was John’s dad.

How did your friends and family initially respond to your relationship? Have their reactions changed?

My mom was very skeptical of the relationship . She was skeptical of all American boys in general. Heck, I was skeptical of everything myself, I wasn’t thinking I would ever find my place here in the States! You have to be skeptical of most things if you are gonna call yourself a Bulgarian. Anyways, his family sized me up quite e bit too. They are very cool and accepting people but at the time I know they didn’t know what to make of me: the shy little eastern European who barely spoke English, didn’t smile, or hug a lot, like Americans do, and just started her life over in the US at the age of 20... Oh, we all totally love each other now!! Also at the time I had an attorney helping me with the switch from a student visa to a work visa. When I mentioned to him I had met a really nice guy, the kind that I would marry, he put down the paperwork, lowered his glasses and said “You know you can go to jail for that”… It took me a while to get that he was saying “don’t try to get citizenship through marriage” And other such nonsense. John and I knew quickly, however, that we were totally and completely “the one” for each other so there was no point in worrying about what others thought.

How do your different backgrounds play into your relationship?

Being the products of two radically different cultures has absolutely made our relationship richer and more fascinating. There isn’t a boring day in this family, I swear! I am actually very surprised how many laughs we still get out of the simple everyday things. It just never ends. Small example today: “you call that a sandwich???” he still can’t get over the fact that a skinny piece of salami with a skinny piece of cheese on a skinny piece of Russian rye is what I call a sandwich. Just like I still cannot get over what HE considers a sandwich: that… 4 inch tall stack of mismatched sandwich material that gets squished down by yet another piece of bread on top, and then the toothpick and all that… ugh. And, you know, if it all fails one can always shout “You are being SO Bulgarian right now!”, or “That’s great, typical American!”

What are some of your biggest cultural clashes: food , social life, domesticity, communication, family?

In the beginning one obvious clash was our communication styles. For one, I barely spoke English, and two, we Bulgarians can go around in circles when we talk and well, that pretty much makes Americans dizzy. Even when my English improved, I can tell John often had a hard time following what I was saying. Sometimes Bulgarians make a point in a much more long-winded way, sometimes we are passionate about completely different subjects than Americans. I think we were extra patient with each other because we were in love.

When it came to social events like going to a party or dropping by someone’s house, time promptness was something I simply didn’t get. Structured activities of social nature made ME dizzy. But now it’s the Bulgarians that drive me crazy… hehe. I just don’t know how to party any more. Oh, wait we have kids anyways.

Food – what can I say – he converted! How could you not?! Especially after spending quality time with authentic Bulgarian cuisine while traveling across the entire country. Bulgarian food is the best. He is still not sure about chubritza though. He still calls it “that dirt you put on your toast”

What do you love about being in such a relationship?

When I was younger I remember thinking that if I ever ended up marrying someone NOT from Sofia, something must have gone wrong with my life. In my mind a foreigner was way out of the question. I think that was a sign that my world was very very tiny. I feel that by meeting and marrying John my tiny world was taken for a surprising spin and then it expanded beyond my expectations! He feels the same way too (he also says he always knew he’d marry someone from really far away)

Being married to someone very different in general, seems to force you to look very critically at who you are and what you know. It can actually help you figure yourself out from a very different angle and ultimately make you happier and more interesting person.


Do you have kids? What part does Bulgaria play in their lives?

We took our Emma, who is now 6, to Bulgaria a couple of summers ago and she always says how much she wants to go back. Sometimes we read Bulgarian books and I do speak it to the kids but it’s very sporadic. My hope, for both the kids and for John, is that our summer visits to Bulgaria become more regular and they learn it there. It is so much easier that way. The good thing is Emma is always very interested in everything Bulgarian and has a certain pride about her Bulgarian-ness. She tries to show off as bilingual but that’s so pushing it. As far as Ian, our 1year old… he has a shirt with the Bulgarian alphabet on it, that’s about it, he is so due for a visit!

How often do you travel to Bulgaria and what are your visits like?

Not nearly often enough! When we do go It is very emotional, stressful, exhilarating, and just altogether beautiful and unforgettable.

Any advice for other people who are in the early stages of a committed relationship with a Bulgarian?

If you know you are with the right person don’t concern yourself too much with what others think. No matter what you do, you may get judged at some point, it’s human nature. Just open your heart and your mind, try to learn some Bulgarian and immerse yourself into the shopska salata and rakia tradition. I swear, it has magical powers, it can even out cultural differences!


***
P.S. Vely has a wonderful blog in which she shares funny stories about her kids and other stuff. Be sure to check it out!

P.P.S. The next interview that I am going to share is with Vely's sister, Eva. That's coming up next Thursday, remember!

If you guys want to participate in the series, let me know, and thank you SO MUCH for all your comments, emails and funny stories. I am trying to get Prof. Grady to participate too. And, yes, I did just realize that today is actually Wednesday. Ah well. It's been a strange week.

Life in the Trenches: Daniel Nylin Nilsson

I've received a lot of positive feedback about the interview I did with Annie last week. Thank you all so much for that! I had a gut feeling you guys would like it. Today, I present to you Annie's partner: Daniel. Please give him a warm welcome, OK? And, also, can I just say... these two are TOO CUTE!

Please introduce yourself. Who are you? What do you do? Where are you and your partner from? Where do you currently live?

Tough question ;) My name is Daniel, I am 28 years old and born and raised in Sweden. I am an educated teacher, but never practiced my profession. After the university I went to Moldova to work as a volunteer. There I met my Bulgarian girlfriend, and when I was finished there I went to Bulgaria. We just moved from Bulgaria to the very south of Sweden, to my country, but not to my city.

How did you and your partner meet?

We fell in love immediately at a seminar for volunteers in Moldova. She was then working in the volunteer organization CVS in Bulgaria. After our first meeting we started writing letters and sms (and sometimes calling ;) ). We were very involved, writing at least one letter per day. We arranged to meet again, and in one of the letters I actually confessed my love, so at the second meeting we were already together. :) It was quite a complicated story... I was supposed to travel to Bulgaria, but had problems with my papers in Moldova and could not leave the country, so eventually she came to me.


How did your friends and family initially respond to your relationship? Have their reactions changed?

They accepted it and were very glad to meet my girlfriend. Of course, I think they would appreciate if we lived closer to them, but I don't think they think her nationality is a big thing. Maybe it is even a kind of family trait - my dad is married to a woman from Finland, and my grandmother crossed the entire country to meet my grandfather.

How do your different backgrounds play into your relationship?

Ohh... I think different backgrounds play in in so many ways in almost every situation. There are soo many differences, and sometimes it is difficult to say what is due to coming from different countries, and what is only individual. One of the biggest differences is that I immediately, and emotionally, identify with social groups and a social class. I have an impression that Bulgaria is in one sense a class-less society, and I find it quite difficult to explain these sentiments for someone born into a different culture.

To be a man is also not so easy, when your partner has different ideas of what a man is than you grew up with ;) I think an important point is that these differences are not important on the good days, but when you have some sort of conflict, the cultural differences flare up and seem huge. On the other hand, I think cultural differences can be easier than other differences to accept, as you have an explanation.

What are some of your your biggest cultural clashes: food, social life, domesticity, communication, family?

Food - hahaha. My was crying over the Swedish food after the first week here :) I think eating is quite uncomplicated - actually Bulgarian food is very delicious. But cooking is much more tied to culture - it can be difficult to cook together, because you are used to doing all the small details in different ways. Of course you can do in one way or the other, but not both.after living three years abroad eating everything and learning two languages, I still cook the way my parents thaught me.

Social life is also quite easy. Or maybe Bulgarians were only tolerant towards me. I found it much more difficult to work with Bulgarians than to see them outside work. But in a relationship you are kind of dependent on your partners friends, which can be kind of problematic I felt much better in Bulgaria after some time, when I started to get my own friends.

Communication is interesting... Swedish people, including I, can be very silent about their feelings. In Sweden its very taboo to complain, and we try to avoid that at any prise. On the other hand Swedes can be very verbal. In Bulgaria I often had the feeling that people told me only what they thought I need to know, which I found an outright insult some times. In Sweden you are served all the information all the time, and the privilege to choose what is important and relevant is yours.

What do you love about being in such a relationship?

I love my girlfriend, and that is the reason I am in such a relationship in the first place. But the best sides are the challenges, the rapdid development, the sense that I get more intelligent and continue to grow, because few things are taken for granted. Which can be exhausting at times. I also feel very liberated in a way, since my girlfriend would not bring all the traditional Swedish values into the relationship. This way we can somehow "choose" what values are important and what are not.

Somehow I also feel a little safer, because I know my girlfriend is not in the relationship because it is convenient. I feel more valuable :)

Do you have kids? What part does "BULGARIA" play in their lives?

Not yet. But when we get I am sure Bulgaria will be important to them, thanks to their mother. Personally i will introduce them to Hipodil and Kontrol.

How often do you travel to Bulgaria and what are your visits like?

We just arrived in Sweden, but I guess we will travel about twice a year, and that it will be very emotional, with lots of laughter and tears.

Has your relation to Bulgaria changed as a result of your being in this relationship?

Profoundly. I didn't know anything about Bulgaria before meeting my girlfriend. Knowing a country through an intense personal relationship makes you feel somehow connected to it yourself. I think this relationship and knowledge has also helped me understand Sweden better. There are very real sides of every society that are invisible from within. Being with a foreigner can help you see some of these sides. There is a Swedish proverb that one needs at least two mother countries, and maybe this is the reason...

Any advice for other people who are in the early stages of a committed relationship with a Bulgarian?

Put an effort in learning the language. Not only for practical reasons, but as a sign of respect. Be very patient, and don't think that you are a Bulgarian yourself. Listen more than you speak - Bulgarians really love to tell you stories. I can add that I didn't follow any of these advices my self :D

Thanks for a wonderful blog!

***
You can read more of Daniel's observations about Bulgaria on his blog "Maladets!". He also blogs about climate change over at Think About It.

If you like this series and wouldn't mind talking about your personal experiences in the trenches, please let me know. Your interview can be composed of just one question, if you don't have a lot of time to devote to this AND your partner does not need to get involved.

Life in the Trenches: Annie Tzvetkova

A couple of weeks ago I decided to contact some How To Marry a Bulgarian readers and ask them about their experiences being in the type of committed relationship that I write about here. The responses I have received are fascinating and I decided to start a new series of posts titled "Life in the Trenches".

The interview that I am about to share with you is with Anna Tzvetkova. Annie is Bulgarian and her partner, Daniel, is Swedish.

Please introduce yourself. Who are you? What do you do? Where are you and your partner from? Where do you currently live?

My name is Anna. I am 25, just moved to Sweden, studying to become a psychologist some day. I am Bulgarian, my boyfriend's name is Daniel, he is Swedish. We've been together for two years and a half.



How did you and your partner meet?

That's an interesting story. At that time I was working for an international NGO and was sent to a training in Moldova. Daniel was taking part in a long-term voluntary project there, working for the same organization. So we met very briefly, though having enough time for some very intensive conversations. Then I came back home and we started writing e-mails to each other … This is how it started. Later on he moved to Bulgaria and we lived there for a year and a half.

How did your friends and family initially respond to your relationship? Have their reactions changed?

My friends didn't believe at first that such a relationship has any future at all. We lived in different countries in the first place and everything really looked more like a fantasy than the real life. My family was terrified that I was often taking the bus to Chisinau, spending 24 hours in an old, unreliable vehicle, waiting for hours at the borders, just to spend a couple of days with Daniel.

How do your different backgrounds play into your relationship?

We have definitely not had it easy in this relationship. Very many cultural differences and discussions about what is wrong and what is right. Most disagreements have been about: education, gender issues, taste (music, clothes, food etc.), politics, social classes, heritage, responsibility towards society, chaos vs. structure and so on and so on. Most of these have only made us better and more open-minded people.

What are some of your your biggest cultural clashes: food, social life, domesticity, communication, family?

Let's start with the kitchen – it took me ages to accept that Swedish people peel their vegetables inside the sink and leave the rubbish lying there for quite a while. Not to speak about the way of washing dishes just leaving them inside the dirty water. It still takes me time to get used to the collective way of living in Sweden, to learn that I have to plan my washing and book the washing machine one week in advance. Daniel couldn't even grasp the idea of having a lady (the cashier of our block of flats in Sofia) who is coming regularly to take money for “common expenses”. We never really learned what the money went for and at times Daniel was very confused about that. I had a period when I really got frustrated at his conflict-avoiding attitude no matter what happened. Living in Bulgaria you just develop some strange instinct pushing you to constantly defend your rights whatever happens. Daniel didn't have this one and didn't seem to have problems being nice and polite wherever he went.

What do you love about being in such a relationship?

I love the freedom it gives you to be who you are and at the same time have the opportunity to share a different culture and enrich your own personality and lifestyle. I like the feeling that you never really know everything about your partner and they can easily surprise you. I love the fact that you never stop learning. I like the new ways of perceiving myself and my culture when seeing it through the eyes of a foreigner. And I simply adore the new meaning some words of my language get when combined in a sentence and pronounced by my partner.

Do you have kids? What part does "BULGARIA" play in their lives?

Not yet. But I really want to believe that we are going to live in Bulgaria at least as much as in Sweden and if we have children one day, I hope they will have the chance to feel Bulgaria by living there and not just reading about it.

How often do you travel to Bulgaria and what are your visits like?

Still to be found out. But we have already many common friends and memories from Bulgaria so for both of us it will be kind of coming home.

Has your relation to Bulgaria changed as a result of your being in this relationship?

Yes, I have definitely changed my relation to Bulgaria. It has become deeper and more real in some way. Before meeting Daniel I had taken it for granted that I live in Bulgaria, speak Bulgarian and share the Bulgarian culture. Now all this takes a bigger part of my identity and I somehow feel more Bulgarian than before.

Any advice for other people who are in the early stages of a committed relationship with a Bulgarian?

Be patient and have in mind that most of our habits and ways of thinking come from the way we've been raised. Even if we look intolerant, sometimes narrow-minded and difficult to adapt, it's something we have inherited from our parents who lived in a different world. The fact that we've chosen you means that we are doing our best to see the world with open eyes without being afraid.

***

Thank you so much, Annie, for your thoughtful responses and agreeing to be the first one up. Daniel is next!

If you would like to be interviewed, please, let me know! Collectively, we have so many stories that simply need to be told!